I’m Not ok, but That’s ok

IMG_4802Here comes another personal post. If you follow my Instagram I posted a picture with the quote, “Take time to do what makes your soul happy”. That is why I have been inactive on here for almost two weeks. I’m not saying that my blog is an unhappy place because in reality it’s the complete opposite. It’s one of the few things in my life I have been happy about.

Were going to talk about some of my faults as a person. I bottle in all emotions. When I am upset or sad I tend to keep smiling and go on with my day. In my head I felt that I was doing myself a favor. Everyone kept telling me “you’re going to be ok” or “you’re doing fine”. But I really wasn’t, it just appeared that way. And still does. One of my worst fears is appearing weak. I’m not going to broadcast to the whole world that my mind is negative on repeat, my heart is falling apart, and my soul is beginning to weaken.

I’m not ok.

These past couple months of my life I have been through a lot and have been hiding behind these emotions, because I have just keep telling myself I cannot be weak. I can’t let these emotions win. So I continued to go on with my days. Laughing, smiling, with no care in the world. It worked for a couple months, I then started to believe I am doing ok.

I was wrong.

These past couple weeks I have reached a low. A low that has diminished my motivation for all things I love. I also couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t focus on school. So many thoughts were running through my head all hours of the day.

“Don’t cry Chloe”

“Keep your head up”

“Don’t look sad”

Then one day I broke down. And I mean crying on the bathroom floor in my robe broke down. That’s when I realized it’s time for me to face my emotions, fears, and worries. I had went to my friend with a situation that came up in my life and she said to me,

“Chloe, you’re not weak. Anyone who has endured what you have and is still standing is the complete opposite. But it is ok to break down and cry if you need to but just don’t stay there”

That’s when I realized it’s ok to not be ok. And I’m going to say it. I have been absent on my blog, something I absolutely love doing because I let my emotions win. I have been extremely broken to the point where the things that make me the happiest were slowly disappearing.  So I have let myself break down and cry. Now I am still learning and I’m still in the direction of going up, but it’s going to be a journey I’m going to keep learning from. I have reached out to my closest friends and am immensely grateful for their kind words and their constant check ins on me. Every night I also have been praying that something good is going to come from this, something that will make me forget all the pain that’s taken over my whole body, and the salty tears that keep falling down my face.

This is very hard for me to write let alone post for people to read and see. I’m not doing it to attract attention or seek pity. But I am here to say that it is ok to break down if you need to and it’s ok not to force happiness upon your self. You’re not weak for that and neither am I.

We will be ok ❤

{The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming}

-Romans 8:18

A book recommended from a friend that has helped me


4 thoughts on “I’m Not ok, but That’s ok

  1. “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming” always gotta remember that. This is amazing. You’re amazing. You’ll get through this. I love you 💛


  2. Thank you for your honesty!
    I hope some day people start to realize how important it is to embrace every emotion, even the ‘bad’ ones.
    It took me many years of bad experiences to do so. Now I don’t try to hide away anymore… it’s not always easy but I am confident.

    Sending you love from Germany 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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