I sat in front of a blank screen for a whole hour, typing then retyping, then erasing, over and over. I didn’t really know how in depth I wanted to get into this tough topic for me but honestly I think one day I’ll pour out my past on here but today is not that day.
Before I say anything I just want to say that I’m not the type of person that wants pity or wants anyone to feel bad for me. If I am sharing a struggle it’s because I realize god had put me through that for a reason and I’ve come to terms with that.
There is something from my past that completely changed who I was as a person. Being as low to the ground a human could feel, that was me. When I looked into the mirror I didn’t see someone who is strong, beautiful, and happy. But someone dejected and angry. Angry for letting myself get so low. Letting a situation and other humans influence who I am and how I saw myself.
In the past I started struggling with self love and respect for myself. Trying so hard to deny my feelings I tried finding that love in other people and that was the worse thing I could have done. I got involved in many things before I even reached close to the age of 18 and that messed me up even more. I started comparing my life and my appearance to others around me and becoming someone unknown. Someone I didn’t even recognized.
Your probably thinking yeah yeah everyone is insecure and feels bad about themselves but that’s not what I’m getting at. I think I did a pretty good job with making myself appear extremely happy and confident which I think helped me get to a better place. By just trying my hardest to not feel bad about myself. I have never been really happy about my physical image and I think lots of people struggle with this. At one point I became obsessed with altering my image that I went to extreme measures to look a certain way that isn’t healthy. And mentally, constantly stressing myself out thinking “you can do better” or “your not trying hard enough”.
I battled with this self love issue for quite some time. A time no one knows about. A time where externally I appeared to be this carefree confident individual but mentally I was struggling. I took a poll on Instagram asking if I should post something personal and 100% of the responses were yes. I don’t want my blog to be this unrelatable place where people are put off by all the edited photos. I want you all to know me as a person and get to know me. Many people that read my blog have known me since grade school or even since diapers but I promise you none of you completely know who I am. I have so many stories I hope to find the courage to tell because I think many people could relate to situations I have been through.
Most definitely I am a very different person today, most of this is past tense. But making the change of moving to a huge city by myself has been a struggle for me and my self love issues. Recently, I have started to feel low again, just because it’s hard sometimes being so far away from people you love and suddenly your in this huge city alone. But then I think no. No, I cannot feel bad about this because I am strictly doing this for me and my future, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I have met AMAZING friends so far that help me get to a better place mentally.
The difference between myself now and then is that I know to look in the mirror and erase bad thoughts, know that I AM beautiful, I AM strong, I AM healthy and I AM happy. I cannot let anything effect that and my process. I stare knowing I am a work of art and God created me to be my own kind of beautiful. And I am extremely thankful to be who I am. LOVE YOURSELF.